When should I disclose my low sex drive to a potential partner? August 11, 6: When should I bring it up with someone I am dating? For the first time in almost 3 years, I have felt attracted to someone. This is rare for me. I have never felt strong sexual attraction. The first time I had sex I was in my mids. My low sex drive greatly affected my last relationship. I am very fearful of being expected to have sex with someone.
When starting a sexual relationship, the other person expects the sex will continue into the relationship. So… hive mind, when do you think I should tell this new person that I am not interested in sex? I think I could handle once a week at the very most, but would highly prefer every other week. As an alternative, should I start looking for older men?
How old were you when your interest in sex declined? Should I expect that type of behavior from most men? Your ex's threats were not "normal", they were abusive and cruel There is no generic answer as to when a man's sex drive slows down, no more than there is a generic answer as to the level of a woman's sex drive. And this does not come from you as an apology or a list of flaws My biggest concern in reading this is the internal struggles you're having I wish you the best in finding some relief and peace.
It would help you if you made it clear up-front that you expect sex once every two weeks and not more or less. Sex is a part of a relationship and having expectations is completely acceptable, including being a deal-breaker.
You should bring it up the first time he asks for sex and you don't feel like it. The kind of behavior exhibited by your ex is extremely inappropriate. Men typically masturbate as a substitute when denied sex, not engage in behavior that is dubiously consensual at best. Don't feel afraid to deny men sex; you don't "owe" anybody. On the plus side, most men don't like to have sex with women who do not at least seem excited about having sex, so getting in that situation again is very unlikely.
You should absolutely not expect that from future partners, and if that situation happens again you should DTMF like a hot rock. In terms of the more general question, if sex is really painful and intolerable, then I think maybe you ought to be seeking out relationships where sex explicitly isn't an issue. Because on the one hand, you absolutely deserve to find someone who loves you and who will cuddle you and be what you need.
And you shouldn't have sex unless you want to have sex. On the other hand, I don't think it's fair to enter into a relationship with someone who is going to fall in love with you and want to have sex with you because he desires you, and then have you say that it isn't an option.
So I think you either need to bring it up at the stage of the relationship where you'd start having sex, so as to give your partner the opportunity to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not right up front, or you need to explicitly seek out partners who don't want to have sex which, hey, those people exist! There is probably one of them out there who would click with you. Most people understand that people want sex at different frequencies. Your sex drive might not be as low as you think.
Let's nerd out with it a little: This further drop in desired frequency resulted in even shittier behavior from your ex. This caused your desired frequency to drop to 0. Right now your desired frequency is left at 0. So, you two discuss the issue and he is patient.
Eventually you have relations and he is understanding and decent about it. What your ex boyfriend did to you was not normal, it was evil and soul-annihilating. You owe it to yourself to find a supportive therapist to help you explore whether or not you truly have a low-libido which is NOT a defect, btw or whether your lack of interest in sex has psychological roots.
Pain during sex is nothing to brush off- you owe it yourself to find out why it's hurting. You deserve a fulfilling sex life- whether it's low frequency or hi- and one that is NOT primarily about keeping your partner happy. I think, until you get some support, that you are very vulnerable to creating situations where you are intimate out of fear of abandonment- this will further cement your disinterest in sex. Please find some help for yourself- it does not have to be this way.
Low sex drive is one thing, but intense pain is another. Sex shouldn't be something you have to endure "I think I could handle once a week at the very most". You may have a medical condition as well as a low sex drive.
How your sex drive compares to a partner's is something that can and should be discussed as the relationship develops, but I think your stress level around this topic might be somewhat alleviated if you could get a medical diagnosis or explanation for the pain.
And no, your ex's behavior does not sound normal. It's normal to for a man to have sexual desire, normal to want sex with his girlfriend, and normal to be disappointed when there is a mis-match in levels of desire. It is most certainly not normal to make threats and intimidate someone into having sex, and it is not only abnormal but cruel to hear one's girlfriend saying "ow" a lot during sex and just keep on going.
What an awful experience you've had. No one should treat anyone that way, and I am confident that there will be unanimity on MeFi about this.
As for your main question, and I hate to say it, but this would be a deal breaker for me, and I'd want to know early. I think you will find that many I hesitate to say most, but it bears consideration people have a higher sex drive than you, and different attitudes towards sex in general.
As HuronBob wrote, though, there is nothing wrong with you unless you think so --you're just lower on the spectrum of interest in sex. I'm pretty low on the spectrum of interest in dancing. But I would view sex as one of the pillars of a relationship the others including, mutual respect and honesty, some shared interests, some individual interests, compatible senses of humor, etc.
There are people who share your lack of interest in sex, and maybe you're right that you can look amongst older men--but how old are you talking? What once passed as a disinterest in sex may be more of a reaction to physiological changes with age--but there's Viagra now, so your old codger may be rip rarin' to go. I would not underestimate the effect of a sexual mismatch, though--it's just a bad cycle of resentment waiting to happen.
Ian's post seems a bit fantastic to me. Would you be content with someone who wanted emotional intimacies at a much lower frequency than you? But, if I were dating a man who didn't want to have sex "for months at a time," but would accept having sex about twice a month, I'd want to know pretty much right away.
By that I mean, maybe by the third date or so -- after I got to know him a bit, but before I was emotionally invested at all. In my experience, I haven't found that older men say, under 55 have sex drives lowered to that level. I won't defend your ex, but it's safe to say he suffered too in the relationship. My question is this: If so, go to the doctor. It could be hormonal, it could be psychological or some combination of the two.
A doctor can help, but you have to stick with it. As for when to tell someone? Sadly I think most men are going to find your lack of drive freakish and a deal breaker. So what you're essentially asking is this: Then again, you could take the relationship all the way until it begins to become physical. At that point most guys will get the hint when you're non-responsive.
But is that what you really want? Talk to a doctor, get referred to a specialist. You owe it to yourself and any future partner. On the flip side though for a lot of people sex is a big part of any relationship and sometimes it can be one of the only ways that a man can express love. Just food for thought. I do not know how to increase your sex drive other than find something that turns you on or that you desire. A few years ago, my sex drive dropped off a cliff, and when I did have sex it was painful.
My doctor found that my uterus was overrun by fibroids, caused by hormonal imbalances. I had to have surgery, but if I had caught it sooner, I might not have had to. I hope it's not the same for you, though: It's all about finding a compatible partner who views the relationship as about more than just sex, because after all, sex drives can vary wildly for any reason throughout one person's lifetime.
Even if once a week is fine with him, I think the bigger problem would be that he'd have to always be the one that wants it, like sex is a bad thing he should feel guilty for. Better for him to know it now. For most people, sex is a very important part of a relationship and if he's not a match for you, better find someone who is. For the sake your happiness and his.
Especially with the abusive arsehole of an ex you might have vaginismus , a reflex spasm in response to penetration.
Those experiences with sex may have lowered your sex drive though they may not have done; you do mention this being long term. Talk it through with someone - therapist, close friend. Are you never aroused, or are you aroused but have problems with physical intimacy or penetration?