July 29th, My story starts at the age of 6. The worst part about it is not my age but the fact that I remember everything, every word and every moment of each attack is on replay in my mind driving me insane. When I was 6 my parents and I moved in with my elderly grandmother until we could find a place to live, my grandmother lived in a 3 bedroom full house up and down two bath basement and attic.
My two boy cousins already had been staying there all of their lives because their mother was a drug addict they were born crack babies so my grandmother took them in to raise them. During the day no one was home, my father would be on the corner selling drugs, my m other would be at work, and my 17 year old cousin would just be out. It would just be me my grandmother and 15 year old cousin Jay.
At first I loved being with Jay he was like the big brother I never had and he would call me his little sister, everyday we played together and went places together and we would always introduce each other as brother and sister. I really thought that he was my brother and my protector, when ever I got bullied he was there and even taught me how to fight and stand up for myself but all of that was short lived and then the abuse began.
He paused the game and said he was tired of beating me and he wanted to play a new game, me being 6 I was down to do anything he wanted to because I looked up to him. I agreed and asked how to play, he told me to pull down my pants and lay down on the bed, I knew something was up my mom always told me not to let anyone touch your privates but I was so eager to be a big kid it was no big deal in my mind.
He sat down next to me and put his had up my shirt and started touching my chest, it felt weird to have him touch me like that but it was just a game right? He pulled down my panties and started fondling me vaginally then put his finger inside me, it hurt but he was gentle it felt weird and good and I never said stop. When he finished he said it was my turn so he laid down and told me to touch and rub on him, after I was done we went back to playing the game like nothing happend.
Just after my 7th birthday my dad went to jail. We still touched each other but then he started asking for more, oral sex. I was fine touching he but I never wanted to go any further to put my mouth on him that was gross and I said no. For what happened next I learned the term for it to be grooming. He would say if I did it he would take me to the store or I could play his DS since he never let me and if I put my mouth on him he would do it to me.
All I can say is I hated it. I hated having him penetrate my mouth and I hated the way it felt when he put his mouth on me but if I cried or said stop he would tell me to be quiet or my grandmother would hear us and I would get in trouble so I let it go on and another year goes by. My father doing 3 years my mother never home and no one watching me. Just me and Jay. Still having oral sex and still touching each other but of course Jay wanted more.
As always I had to lay on the bed while he fingered me and fondled me but this time was different, instead of his fingers he tried to put his penis inside of me. The pain was unbearable I quickly pushed him away and told him to stop because it really hurt and I was bleeding a little.
He said he wanted to see if it could go in but I was too little so he just rubbed his penis against my entrance and lips until he finished then make me run to the bathroom to wipe it off and make sure nun of it goes into me. He raped me like that for 2 years and I never said a word I just closed my eyes covered my mouth and took it. So here I am 14 smoking pot cutting and living on edge. I did see Jay from time to time but I never stuck around long enough for him to do anything to me.
A couple months go by and I find out Jay moved in with his sister who lived 2 blocks away from me. After that same day Jay began messaging me on Facebook and when I blocked him he got my phone number and started texting me. I told him how I was feeling about what he did to me and we agreed not to speak about it anymore and move on with our lives, we became cool again and I started to trust him again which was the biggest mistake of my life.
I hesitated but I let him in the past was behind us and things were going back to how they used to be, I let him in and immediately things went south. He had never seen the upstairs of our house and asked if he could see so I took him upstairs and showed my room, he just walked right in and sat on my bed.
He tore off my shorts and pulled down his basketball shorts and exposed himself to me, he already had a condom on. He raped me for hours the whole time he kept asking me how much I liked it and if I enjoyed not being a virgin and this deflowering he was giving me. When he finished he got up to leave and he said just think of this as an early birthday present and if I wanted more just call.
To this day his words are ringing in my ears. I never told anyone how could I it was my fault even if I did no one would believe me because of my past.