I want her to know she has the power to turn me into a quivering bowl of jelly if she wants to. You could consider pouncing and then, as you bend over her on the table, say, "You turn me on. You are so sexy. Then, don't put pressure on her. Just let her enjoy the moment and get used to the idea of being sexy, without having to worry that you are just putting on an act to get her to feel good so that she'll do it with you.
Then, buy something she liked but wouldn't buy for herself, and tell her you just had to get it for her because she looked so sexy in it. These are fairly low-key options, not as dramatic maybe as what you had in mind but you can start slow and build up to surprise lingerie. There is a dress that looks good on pretty much every woman who wears it - the wrap dress invented by Diane von Furstenberg. A DVF wrap dress will cost a pretty penny, but you don't need to go that high end.
Just make sure you find a true wrap dress one that actually wraps around the waist and has ties to fasten it , otherwise it may not fit properly. Choose a jersey or any other fabric with some stretch. Make sure you go into the store knowing her clothing size check several of her articles since sizes can vary from designer to designer -- if you have an idea of her measurements bust, hips, waist , even better.
If you don't know these things already, or if it will be too difficult to find out without your wife knowing, don't worry too much - the beauty of the wrap dress is that it is generally forgiving if you are a bit off in size as long as it is a fabric with stretch.
Wrap dresses are lovely because they create the illusion of a cinched-in waist, and accentuate the bust and hips. And not only are they one of the most flattering dresses especially for curvier women , they are one of the most comfortable. As for lingerie, I can't really help there.
Bras are finicky, and, in my experience, require fittings. I would never buy a bra without trying it on first. You can, however, get her a nice pair of french-cut panties, and some high-quality stockings to go with the dress.
I'm assuming, based on the way you phrased the question, that you're already telling her she's beautiful and sexy, etc etc. The problem is not you, it's her. And a lot of other women.
It's hard to be a woman these days with the impossible standards the media sets. Her problem is that she has low self-esteem and doesn't love her own body. Until she's able to deal with that and learn to love herself, something that has to come from within, she'll never feel sexy. I think the best you can do for her is to love her, support her, and tell her how beautiful you really think she is. The rest is up to her.
Not makeup, but high quality skin creams, shampoo, that kind of thing -- it goes a long way toward making a person feel sensual, and it won't make her feel as though she's been put on the spot. There's Origins on the super-expensive end of the scale gotten a few gifts from there, and I was absolutely miserly with them , and Burt's Bees for more reasonable prices. I second what Felicity Rilke said about stockings -- get some very nice ones, because she'd probably never buy them for herself.
As far as lingerie goes -- a beautiful chemise would be the least intimidating gift, I think. Get something very soft. My definition of sexy is very tactile.
If she is not confident about her sexiness because of how she looks, you can help build up confidence in how she feels and smells. Okay, enough ruining my reputation as a tomboy. Yes, it's an attitude problem. Yes, she has to change her attitude herself, but you can help her do so.
Does she genuinely turn you on? If so, vocalize it. Show her how you can't resist her. Fuck and suck her whenever you can, wherever you can. She won't believe you at first, she'll just think you're being kind, perhaps she'll even think you're patronizing. But eventually she'll realize that you really are turned on by her.
Gradually she'll be flattered, and eventually she will realize that she turns YOU on even if she doesn't turn everybody on, and that will be enough. If she doesn't turn you on, then you are SOL, buddy. Go with a wrap dress. Beyond that, the only advice I can offer is to be specific in your compliments and deliver them randomly. Stop her in a the middle of a sentence to let her know that watching her lips move drives you wild. Point out that you love how she walks. Those kinds of things tend to have more of an effect than a generic, "you're beautiful.
We like it because they sell clothes for sex that look good on anyone. I don't think lingerie really appeals to as many people as it is intended. You might check into some form-fitting lycra or other shiny, wild-print short dresses. Stockings, gloves, collars, are also good. And not to be glib, but one sure thing for us and many others is a nice hotel room with an in-house restaurant and bar. A light dinner, a few more drinks than usual, and a nice room a quick elevator ride away is a hell of a lot more conducive to great sex than trying to arrange things at home when the kids are asleep.
If you put some effort into it, it can take sex from decent to incredible. In cases like this, where the woman obsesses over some silly detail like her weight, it can do a lot to shed inhibitions. Sure, your wife may not think she's sexy, but roles are, by definition, sexy.
Have your wife try being somebody else for a while. And don't take no for an answer. Roleplay is great precisely because it can be done to so many varying degrees; starting with just whispers to and progressing to costumes and props.
Start off slow but do start. As a side note: Don't get too freaky, but do tell her. Make it clear that these are fantasies you have about her and make it clear you want to experiment. For your sake, she should be willing to give it a shot. Buying her lingerie and dresses are a great start but not quite enough. Buy a camera and take pictures of her. All sorts of pictures. Take a lot of pictures. Have her pose for you. Eventually, the message will sink in: Take some naughty pictures.
Especially after eight years. Dwell on what it is precisely that makes her so beautiful. Give it some serious thought and be specific.
Her eyes, jaw, hair, shoulders, elbows,chest, hips, stomach--you've got a lot to work with and that's just above the waist. Don't be afraid to obssess over parts of her body. Shower the aspects you love the most with attention during sex. Heck, give names to her body parts. Again, this isn't about finding your wife to be sexy--this is about finding your wife's body to be sexy. They're two different things and you need to do both. Ultimately, geeky is right. Your wife has a confidence problem.
There's only so much you can do. You need to be clear about what your needs are and, assuming she loves you, she will do her best to address them. These things can take years to pull off, so be patient. Baby steps and all that. Little improvements here and there can add up to incredible blowing sex down the road.
Why not book her an appointment with a personal shopper in an upscale department store near you? Professionals of that sort are often really good at dressing people of all shapes and sizes, and there are really great clothes including lingerie - try figleaves.
Also, it's clear that you're articulate about what you love about her and how you feel about her, including your physical desire for her - you might write this for her in a love letter, and leave it in an unexpected place for her to find. Sometimes reading thoughts in print is more convincing than hearing them spoken aloud. Nice fabric will help make her feel sexy. And dark colors - black, dark red, dark purple.
Here's an example of a chemise. It'd be nice in silk, and I'm sure she'd appreciate a wrap to go with it, like the one pictured. And I agree with everyone who says be specific with how she turns you on.