Can you clarify - how many times, say, a week, would be your ideal for sex? It's not so much a number, it's just that so often when I want it, she doesn't. I understand that it is not her responsibility to be up for sex just because I want it. To that end, I want to reduce my desire to a level at or below hers. Sex or no-sex aside, this is seriously not ok behavior.
I'd call it abusive, honestly, and if it isn't abusive it's completely unloving and assholeish. So I say it's time to move on, and find someone who loves you and treats you as well or better than you deserve.
No one deserves bad treatment, regardless of your libido. With luck your future partner will have a more compatible libido, and even if she doesn't a loving and caring person will be willing to work with you to find solutions and compromises that make both people as happy as possible, and strengthen rather than hurt the relationship.
Take a vacation, or go on a spiritual retreat or something -- you only, not you and her. Talk with someone therapist? And yes, there is a middle ground between staying in a bad relationship, and packing your bags -- options like couples counseling, for example. But that requires both people to be invested in the relationship and to desire change, and your question here doesn't give much hint of that.
But if, in fact, you can find that middle ground, and heal rather than break your relationship, obviously that would be a wonderful thing. Really push for the next tier management position, or move into something where you really need to struggle to keep up. That should do it. And you might make more money, too. He gets this question a few times a year. The importance of sex in marriage can be overstated--the importance of sex can be overstated, period especially in sex advice columns.
It is, as NSP says, only one aspect. But the importance of sexual compatibility within marriage, at least at the starting gate, cannot be stressed enough. Sounds like it isn't going to get better and it's important enough to you to cry and post about it.
Plenty of women do have a more compatible sex drive, or at least they don't make you feel like crap when you ask for some action. You're just the sap who's rationalizing your own desires away. Now are you really going to break up with her? No, of course not.
You love her right? Realize this is a huge deal and not a healthy relationship at all and go to therapy and try to work it out etc. You could come to discover that this lack of sex is actually about lack of intimacy, lack of communication, her own shame or your basic crippling inadequacy to really plow her a good one cuz yr too busy wondering if you're doing it right and MAYBE you'll figure it out and fix it over years of self-study and sacrifice on both your parts and you'll be together forever.
But it's not like you guys are a great couple except for the sex. The car is still moving but the engine is asploded. Eventually the vehicle is going to skid out, hit a tree, flip over, and cause a busload of school children to veer off a narrow California coastal highway over a cliff and into the ocean, much like in the pilot episode of the hit WB dramedy Veronica Mars. That's right, isn't it? Your commitment to her is so strong that you're willing to make drastic changes to yourself emotionally and physically to counteract the lack of sex in your relationship.
Yet she isn't willing to meet you halfway? Isn't willing to recognize this for the problem that it is? Something is not right there my friend If, however, you want it ONCE a week and she flips, well I am very open with her in describing my sexual desires. I am not asking for anything crazy at all, I just don't want her to have to guess at what I want. Usually this leads to her calling me a "jerk" and falling asleep. This is very, very, very true. Maybe she's not feeling up to it due to other stress.
On top of that, she's got a partner who wants something she doesn't feel up to providing, AND she probably feels a little guilty about not wanting it. All of these things put together are libido killers. Why not help her relax first? Show her how much you value her as a person first and not just as sexual vessel. But if she IS just a sexual vessel or if she never does come around, then I'd say it's better for the both of you if you go your separate ways. Maybe you need to work more on the us and less about you.
It is also not your responsibility to numb or deaden a very important part of yourself to fall in line with her wants. This is an area where compromise is essential if there are two different viewpoints, and she is completely closed off to it - and has been for five or six years, so I can't imagine it will change much in the future.
I cannot agree enough with what roger ackroyd quoted above. Based on the information given, I would advise you to reconsider entering into a marriage with this person. I ended up being sick for about a year and could barely function, but he still wanted to get it on like clockwork.
It didn't matter to him how I felt. He wasn't willing to meet ME halfway. Yet he would lecture me about my priorities. It destroyed my interest in sex with him even after I was healthy again. Clearly we were a bad match for each other. To say the least. So, try to consider how she feels. Consider if what's killing her libido is temporary or permanent.
Walk out of this relationship for her sake, too, if you're not willing to wait. This is not a joke comment by the way, I'm quite serious. You love this girl and want to marry her, fine, but your sex drives are incompatible. So get a someone to bridge the gap, what? After all, you've been together for years and you've had these problems for much of that time. Killing your libido is a stopgap, not a long-term plan. Even if you could and should do so, it would hurt you and would inevitably backfire.
Time to buckle down and address the issue behind the sex. I'll ask her for a handjob or blowjob and you'd think I just asked if I could shit in her mouth literal disgusted reaction. Have you considered that you are not sexually compatible?
There's a difference between one partner wanting sex four times a week while the other wants it once a week and a partner being viscerally disgusted at the suggestion of an utterly normal part of a healthy sexual relationship. There's also a big difference between one partner having a stretch where due to outside factors their libido is nowhere to be found and your partner being uninterested or disgusted by sex for six years out of an eight year relationship.
If you get married without working this out you are likely going to be miserable for a long time. Or cheat on your spouse. While bugging the hell out of her. The solution isn't to eat saltpeter or whatever and kill your libido. It's to figure out whether your libido can be compatible with your significant other's libido. From what you've written it doesn't really sound like it is, but obviously after such a long relationship it's worth working at for quite a while. I strongly suggest couples therapy.
But don't bloody well marry her without working this out! I just can't emphasize that enough. Sure, it could very well be that she is abusive and calling him a jerk for no good reason. But there are a lot of ways this could be playing out.
I mean, did she ASK him what he wanted in terms of fantasies? Or was this you being like "here's what I want you to do To be bombarded with fantasies which might be really upsetting or unpleasant for her to discuss, especially if she can't even have vanilla sex with the guy, right at bed time, seems like it might trigger feelings of not being respected, cared for, listened to, etc.
OR maybe she's a horrible frigid abusive wench. Very well might be. All I'm saying is that in my mind, the OP MIGHT not realize that he is coming off as a jerk, when he lists his sexual requests to his tired, sexually-uninterested girlfriend.
Also, having sex 6 times a month when she's stressed out doesn't exactly make her frigid. Yes you two are sexually incompatible, but I just feel like she's getting a bit of an unfair rap, here.
However I do agree that if you want to have kids with this woman, who is already not sexually interested due to career stress, you can kiss all hope of sex goodbye once you have kids. If you are okay with that, then go ahead and marry her. I don't have any suggestions on how to make you stop thinking about sex, there's nothing wrong with it. But if you think you might, a few years into a sexless marriage, start cheating on your family out of sexual desperation I would not get married to this woman.
It wouldn't be fair to either of you.