How to relax into casual sex. Casual Sex Between Friends.



How to relax into casual sex

How to relax into casual sex

Larger text size Very large text size Two months after a major breakup, I was feeling reckless in a foreign city. A few Tinder swipes later, I was knocking back cheap beer and pizza with a cute guy, and all of a sudden it was hot breath and fumbling hands in his dark, tiny bedroom.

It was my first spontaneous hookup, and it felt both thrilling and alien. But when he tried to penetrate me, I froze. I didn't know how to tell him. We tried a couple more positions before we stopped because of what I'd known all along — I physically couldn't do it.

Welcome to the world of casual sex when you have vaginismus — a disorder that makes penetration extremely painful. I became more confident, caring less about people's opinions. Stocksy Before the breakup I'd only slept with two boyfriends, and sex had always hurt. I'd been undergoing physiotherapeutic treatment for a year when the big relationship ended. I was terrified — what if I couldn't fix it alone?

Was I undatable, unlovable? The fears were compounded when a so-called friend said nobody would be willing to forego sex to be with me. I thought I was broken. I didn't want to be. I rebounded with several short-lived flings, but penetration was off-limits for most of them.

I felt self-conscious — like I was only half of what they wanted. I confided in them, but wanted love and validation much more than sex. Even when I managed pain-free sex with one of these men, I was scared it was second-rate — that I didn't know what I was doing; that he wished I was better.

When the last of these relationships ended, I made a promise — no dating. I didn't, however, rule out sex, and this is where it got interesting. Advertisement When emotions were out of the equation, I became bolder.

The stakes were low, so I could experiment as much as I wanted, do all the things I'd been curious about for years. And here's what I found — casual sex saved me. Coming from a conservative family with traditional views about sex, it was a shock to the system to go from sleeping only with people I cared for, to a new person — sometimes more — every weekend.

Depending on how I was feeling, I sometimes shared my problem in advance, and at other times just winged it. There were jerks, of course. The guy who seemed to like me until I told him, and his face fell. The guy who asked repeatedly if it meant that we'd never be able to have sex, like I was depriving him of something he deserved. The guy who didn't stop when I told him it was hurting and asked him to. All the guys who said they wanted to see me again and then ghosted, leaving me feeling used and sad.

These ugly moments painted the casual hookup as the thing I'd been raised to deplore — a transactional breeding ground for entitlement and disrespect. But more important was how the positive encounters made me feel. The hottest, most respectful sex I had post-breakup was with someone I met from Tinder under no pretenses — we both knew it was sex only. It was the first time I felt truly sexually empowered and completely satisfied, and it was with someone I'd met a few hours earlier and never saw again.

The first time I could handle penetration for long enough for the person to finish inside me, it was with someone I barely knew — in six years of sex with boyfriends, I'd never managed it once. With every new hookup, it became less difficult to relax, making penetration a whole lot easier. I became more confident, caring less about people's reactions and opinions, and began enjoying sex more as it started hurting less, and eventually not at all. My emotional detachment, and the relative anonymity, meant that I could be whoever I wanted to be.

It was almost performative — I discarded the persona of the frightened girl with vaginismus, and adopted one of the sexually liberated woman. And so I did, and every painless rendezvous became a victory — a reclamation of the sexual freedom I'd always been denied.

When I was younger, I imagined the day I would have painless sex for the first time; my boyfriend and I would lie intertwined afterwards, crying happy tears. I never thought the cure would come from casual encounters. Though it certainly isn't the solution for every case of vaginismus, for me the world of casual sex unearthed a confidence I never knew I had, and it has followed me into my new relationship, where I'm enjoying my healthiest sex life yet — completely pain-free.

If you are experiencing pain during sex, contact your doctor. Visit Sexual Health Australia for help and resources on vaginismus. Most Viewed in Lifestyle.

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How to relax into casual sex

Larger text size Very large text size Two months after a major breakup, I was feeling reckless in a foreign city. A few Tinder swipes later, I was knocking back cheap beer and pizza with a cute guy, and all of a sudden it was hot breath and fumbling hands in his dark, tiny bedroom. It was my first spontaneous hookup, and it felt both thrilling and alien. But when he tried to penetrate me, I froze. I didn't know how to tell him.

We tried a couple more positions before we stopped because of what I'd known all along — I physically couldn't do it. Welcome to the world of casual sex when you have vaginismus — a disorder that makes penetration extremely painful. I became more confident, caring less about people's opinions. Stocksy Before the breakup I'd only slept with two boyfriends, and sex had always hurt.

I'd been undergoing physiotherapeutic treatment for a year when the big relationship ended. I was terrified — what if I couldn't fix it alone? Was I undatable, unlovable? The fears were compounded when a so-called friend said nobody would be willing to forego sex to be with me. I thought I was broken.

I didn't want to be. I rebounded with several short-lived flings, but penetration was off-limits for most of them. I felt self-conscious — like I was only half of what they wanted. I confided in them, but wanted love and validation much more than sex. Even when I managed pain-free sex with one of these men, I was scared it was second-rate — that I didn't know what I was doing; that he wished I was better. When the last of these relationships ended, I made a promise — no dating.

I didn't, however, rule out sex, and this is where it got interesting. Advertisement When emotions were out of the equation, I became bolder. The stakes were low, so I could experiment as much as I wanted, do all the things I'd been curious about for years. And here's what I found — casual sex saved me. Coming from a conservative family with traditional views about sex, it was a shock to the system to go from sleeping only with people I cared for, to a new person — sometimes more — every weekend.

Depending on how I was feeling, I sometimes shared my problem in advance, and at other times just winged it. There were jerks, of course. The guy who seemed to like me until I told him, and his face fell. The guy who asked repeatedly if it meant that we'd never be able to have sex, like I was depriving him of something he deserved. The guy who didn't stop when I told him it was hurting and asked him to.

All the guys who said they wanted to see me again and then ghosted, leaving me feeling used and sad. These ugly moments painted the casual hookup as the thing I'd been raised to deplore — a transactional breeding ground for entitlement and disrespect. But more important was how the positive encounters made me feel.

The hottest, most respectful sex I had post-breakup was with someone I met from Tinder under no pretenses — we both knew it was sex only.

It was the first time I felt truly sexually empowered and completely satisfied, and it was with someone I'd met a few hours earlier and never saw again.

The first time I could handle penetration for long enough for the person to finish inside me, it was with someone I barely knew — in six years of sex with boyfriends, I'd never managed it once. With every new hookup, it became less difficult to relax, making penetration a whole lot easier. I became more confident, caring less about people's reactions and opinions, and began enjoying sex more as it started hurting less, and eventually not at all. My emotional detachment, and the relative anonymity, meant that I could be whoever I wanted to be.

It was almost performative — I discarded the persona of the frightened girl with vaginismus, and adopted one of the sexually liberated woman. And so I did, and every painless rendezvous became a victory — a reclamation of the sexual freedom I'd always been denied.

When I was younger, I imagined the day I would have painless sex for the first time; my boyfriend and I would lie intertwined afterwards, crying happy tears. I never thought the cure would come from casual encounters. Though it certainly isn't the solution for every case of vaginismus, for me the world of casual sex unearthed a confidence I never knew I had, and it has followed me into my new relationship, where I'm enjoying my healthiest sex life yet — completely pain-free.

If you are experiencing pain during sex, contact your doctor. Visit Sexual Health Australia for help and resources on vaginismus. Most Viewed in Lifestyle.

How to relax into casual sex

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