What not having sex is doing to your marriage, part 2 Ok, ladies. We sent out Part 1 of this topic which focused on women not having sex , and within minutes we started receiving comments from women complaining about their husbands not wanting sex.
So many people wanted to know why I took the slanted approach of wives who are refusing their husbands. Honestly, I took that approach because that is what I have been seeing in my office in droves lately. But listen, the problem goes both ways, and by the end of the day, it was obvious I was going to have to address this issue from the opposite point of view. Women who find themselves in a sexless marriage have many of the same frustrations as men.
They feel frustrated, alone, embarrassed and angry. They also feel insecure. They wonder if they are sexy enough, attractive enough or thin enough.
It is confusing to hear female friends complain about husbands who want it all the time and then come back to a home where no one is pursuing her. Marriage is a partnership. You enter it voluntarily and there are spoken and unspoken agreements. One of those agreements is that there will be a sexual relationship. When one partner refuses to participate, it is exceptionally selfish.
A sexless marriage feels so powerless and frustrating. Sex is important in a relationship. It is the one thing that keeps you from just being roommates sharing the same bed. Still, this is the easiest place to start and begin ruling out factors. Pornography — This is a touchy subject for many people.
There are experts out there who will tell you that pornography enhances sex for couples. I find porn causes many more sexual problems than any other single item on this list. Porn changes the brain, and not in a good way. You can also check out the posts we have here on porn use. If this is the culprit, the fix is cutting off the porn use cold turkey and retraining his brain to increase his desire for a real person.
The quality of your relationship — I think everyone knows that women need emotional connection to increase physical desire. This same thing can be said for men as well. If a man is feeling criticized or belittled by you, he will shut down sexually. A man needs to feel respected by you. If you are talking down to him, treating him like a child, telling him what to do and when to do it, your sex life will suffer.
Performance Anxiety — Men have a lot of pressure to perform. Some men are so worried about maintaining an erection or ejaculating prematurely, they shut down and avoid sexual contact altogether. Anxiety is certainly a mood killer. I worked with a couple where the man had one episode of not being able to maintain his erection. He became so worried that he would have a repeat performance that it happened again several times. After three or four failed attempts, he shut down.
Drugs like Cialis can help but many men are resistant to taking them. The best defense is to deal with the anxiety. Not every man needs a lot of physical touch like holding hands, hugging and kissing but many of them do.
If you are stand-offish and you are constantly thwarting his attempts to be close to you, he will likely pull back sexually as well. When your guy comes up behind you and puts his arms around you, he is risking rejection.
If you stiffen or push him away frequently, he feels unwanted and unwelcomed. This carries over into the bedroom as well. Depression — Men often get depressed and the symptoms go unrecognized. Depression in men often looks like anger and withdrawal. Sexual desire would be one of the casualties of depression for both men and women. For a man to have good sex, it requires an eager partner who is obviously enjoying herself.
I have heard many men tell me they would rather masturbate than have sex with a woman who just lies there. He is having an affair. This disinterest in sex is usually accompanied by a general disinterest in being together at all.
He may say he is working on things, but if he remains very detached and disinterested it is certainly a factor I would consider. Too many people keep ignoring this situation and hoping things will get better on their own.
Sometimes they do but if things have been going this way for months or years, stop waiting and start pressing for some answers. And that may very well be the truth. He may not be able to make the connection between how he feels and his libido. So your conversation needs to go something like this: This is really a problem for me. It is very important to me that we get to the bottom of what is going on. I know this may make you uncomfortable, but I love you and our life together too much to just let this go any longer.
You are just being honest and letting him know this is serious. Make an appointment with someone who is comfortable and knowledgeable to talk to you about sexual problems.