D Dear Luisa, I don't know exactly what's going on with him, but it's clear that he has some inhibition around sex. I don't buy the idea that everything will change when he gets his own apartment. More likely, you'll never get to that stage.
He needs to own the issue, then take steps to master it. It may be that it's about intimacy as opposed to sometimes sexual. Or perhaps the problem is more chronic, not situational but an ongoing problem for him. Was he like this with other women before you? What have his intimate relationships with women, beginning with his mother, been like?
If he's the kind of man you can talk to, maybe ask him, at a quiet day time, about the difference in his passion between his sober and drunk states. He may even not be aware of the difference! The idea is to get him to get a conversation going between the inhibited side of himself and the side that feels freer. What's holding him back? Fear of commitment symbolized by intercourse or your nakedness? If so, can he figure out where the problem is from? I agree, the kind of love he's proposing is the love of the gods and saints, not the love of men and women.
If it were me, I'd gradually and increasingly demand not that he instantly change, but that he explore, acknowledge, and confront the problem, and keep at it until it is resolved. If he won't, you'll have to ask yourself whether it's worth sticking around. What's sure is that you deserve a great love life.
I'd hate to see you let the issue slide for fear of confrontation or abandonment, then wind up deprived of it over a lifetime. Sincerely, luisa24 I didn't have enough space above, to actually ask the question: Why would he lose his desire to have normal sex completly, while still having a sex drive?
I have been patient for a long time, I haven't said anything for 3 months or so I thought it was an obvious thing we should have sex given the fact that our relationship is so good in other ways But of late I am unable to control my own feelings and I keep getting depressed I wanted to stop giving him oral for a while, but I find it is nearly impossible, it is like he is really addicted to this pattern of sexual behavior now I have to say we did have good sex before, but never too often but I thought it was only because we had other problems to deal with Now I can not understand what's going on with him I also have to mention other things related to his sexual behavior: ALL of this changes when he's had a few drinks- I love him then, he is just liberated somehow, he kisses me, he wants sex, touches me everywhere I can see that you are a wonderful doctor, I've also read some of your other replies and you actually relate to everyone.
Well, as for me and my boyfried - he made a first step in what I hope is the right direction, although I am not sure yet if I should hope for change: And he actually wanted to have sex - unfortunately I was having my period and so nothing happened.
My first reaction after so many nights was to reject him - I think because I was having my period and I was frustrated that I could not be with him I saw the look in his eyes when I pushed him away at first, he seemed genuinely hurt, not in in his pride but actually hurt, and then I apologized and told him the truth For now, I do not know what to think, if there is actual hope for us or not He's such a wonderful man, I love every inch of him and I am really afraid that maybe he will never really like sex besides oral I keep wondering if his desire to have me then was real or if he only wanted to do it for me, because he knows how I feel I think you are so right about trying to start a dialogue between his inhibited side and his more passionate side, but it's a really delicate issue I can not come to a definte conclusion about him, I can not tell if he wants sex other than when he actually needs it physiologically I feel that his turn on is definetly oral, I do not know if he ever fantasizes about everything else And I guess I can not change that?
Is it possible that his fixation with oral be something like a fetish, something that turns him on at any time, no matter the situation and something he can not help? Strangely enough, I feel that his desire for oral has increased progressively, so I don't know what to think anymore I really love him and being near him turns me on so much, I like oral, but I want us to be able to have real, total physical contact At the same time, it is also clear that he is inhibited many times Do you think that oral could be like a fetish for him or could it be that he is inhibited as you said about being really intimate?
A fetish of some sort? But I'd bet on inhibition, based on what you told me. I'm glad you told him the truth. Don't assume that he isn't interested in vaginal sex or closeness.
It looks like he's trying! Keep the issues in the open and be receptive to him after period time. He'll understand that your rejection of him recently was just a situational thing. Yes, it's unclear if he's just trying to please, or if he really desires you.
But it's time to gather data.