I am actively pursuing healing for myself and struggling with how to stop trying to fix my husband. I left him because of his isolating and controlling behavior. When I finally recognized that my submission was actually enabling him and hurting our children, I stood up to him by breaking his favorite rule—I was not allowed to drive.
I thought I was saving my marriage by demonstrating to him that how capable, competent and trustworthy I was. However, he seemingly went insane. I was convinced that if I stayed with him I would die. The next morning I fled my 17 year long marriage on foot with my two kids. My daughter 11 yrs had over heard me talking with a friend to come get us and I knew that my leaving was a life and death secret so I had to act without any preparation as soon as he fell asleep.
Fast forward over a year later, I have been so blessed. Every fear I ever had that kept me from standing up for myself or leaving, has evaporated. God has provided for me miraculously. I first confronted my husband if he had a porn habit in You see, he quit sleeping with me when I was pregnant with our son 9yrs old now and moved to the guest bedroom upstairs.
He said it was so he could work on his starting his new business. For years he convinced me that he was a workaholic. I was frequently locked out of the upstairs of our house where his bedroom was and his office.
When we were building our house, we actually went 8 months without having sex. He was so awkward on our honey moon. We were both virgins—at least he said he was and he had so much trouble maintaining an erection, I assumed that he had to have had no prior experience. Intercourse was painful for me, but not if we made love regularly which in 17 years of marriage, in spite of my pleading, never happened.
The April before I left, I began finding semen encrusted towels by his bed on a regular basis. I was in such denial. I just tried to keep the house cleaner, make his favorite meals more and be more attentive to him thinking that I could win him back.
He never confessed anything but he did apologize and we agreed to work on our marriage. The next few months, he was more attentive and extremely generous, buying me things I had wanted for a long time and even taking us to see my sister who lived miles away. He told men in the church that I left him because I caught him watching porn, something I had never done although once I found a bunch of porn in his About Tabs. He told me that anything can pop up in you About Tabs.
I was so numb, so dead inside and so powerless from the years of emotional abuse—not in your face, derogatory stuff I could put my finger on.
His abuse consisted of long Mr. Professor like lectures if I broke one of his rules, me not being allowed to drive, me not being allowed to spend money without his immediate supervision and scrutiny and me not being allowed to know anything at all about our finances and there were other rules such as never letting our children be alone with anyone, not even his own parents.
She had dreams of him sticking his penus in her face and she had developed a compulsive masturbation habit trying to reproduce a feeling she said she had felt before. She told me how he would come into the bathroom and look at her behind the curtain. She began locking the bathroom door. He would pick the lock. She felt so traumatized and fearful.
She told me of an incident that Daddy wanted her to cuddle him without the covers on when he was only in his underwear. He had always been so modest around her that she felt very afraid. She said there was something strange about his voice. He began tickling her in her groin and in the wiggling and squirming, she was pelvis to pelvis with him.
I realized that all those years, I had sick feelings that he could be messing with my daughter, but I dismissed them because of my own abusive childhood. I thought I was escaping the filth of my own childhood. She started to tell me once that she thought he was coming into her room at night. Even a friend of mine came to me after I left and told me how she had dismissed her own ill feelings because she was my friend but there were two incidents when he was unexplainable alone with one of her preverbal daughters.
She had such a sick feeling about it, but being passive and hating confrontation and not wanting to believe it because she was my best friend, she dismissed it. Now he has supervised visitation. He can take our son and daughter for the weekends on the condition that the children spend the night at his parents house across the street. He stays in the bedroom with them until they fall asleep and then so as not to disturb anyone, he climbs out the window.
He thinks he has made sufficient apology and is now seeing his 4th marriage counselor. He wants me back to make him look good again. It was his rule that my daughter and I wear ankle length skirts all the time and kept our hair up.
We mad him look pure and pious. We did not belong to a church that taught dressing like that, but I went along with it sucumbing to his spiritual reasoning. He is not taking responsibility for himself. Are there other women in your forum that are dealing with sex addiction that seems to have turned toward children or that are dealing with this kind of ambiguity? I still want my husband to get better. I pray for him daily. I scrutinize my heart for feelings of bitterness.
I intend to live separately until the children are grown. I am in the process of filing for divorce. He was my high school sweetheart, so the bond goes deep.