Carrie and Miranda run into Steve and Aidan and are dismayed to learn that they've hooked up with new girlfriends. Charlotte and Trey hit the sheets and agree that they got married mostly 'cause of societal pressure. Samantha gets into a beef with three smack talking transsexual hookers. Carrie is awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of roosters crowing.
She scrunches her horsey face in confusion, climbs out of bed to look out the window, and spots several roosters in cages atop the roof of the building next door, which happens to be an animal hospital. Downtown, Samantha is being kept awake by three loud transsexual hookers, who are loitering on the street directly below her loft and cackling about penises in asses and threats to shit on the penises that find themselves inside asses.
During brunch the next day, Sam complains to the gals that the transsexual hookers are keeping her up at night with their icky raunch talk. Charlotte lets out a deep sigh and laments how depressed she is about being separated from Trey and possibly in the process of getting divorced. Miranda points out that being divorced is way better than being trapped in a bad marriage though not as pathetic as rushing head-first into a marriage with someone she barely knew , then suggests they all get together at Charlotte's apartment this weekend for an unpacking party.
Carrie drops by the animal hospital to lodge a complaint about the roosters' early morning crowing. The veterinarian informs her that the roosters were rescued from an illegal cock fight in the Bronx and offers to move them down to the basement, but Carrie sheepishly rescinds her complaint and assures the veterinarian that she'll find a way to deal with their incessant crowing.
Miranda takes a break from working on her law stuff to call a local Chinese restaurant to order some takeout. When she places an order for her usual, the woman on the other end of the line giggles about how she orders the exact same thing every night.
Miranda looks vexed and embarrassed at being so openly giggled at. The next day, Miranda tells Carrie that the takeout lady at her local Chinese place thinks she's pathetic 'cause she orders the same meal every night, then wonders if maybe she's in a rut. When Carrie suggests she order from somewhere else, Miranda whimpers that she can't do that 'cause she really likes their noodles. As the two continue to amble along the street, they notice Steve and Aidan sitting together in an outdoor cafe.
They panic and then duck into the lobby of a nearby building and debate whether or not they should act like normal people and go over and say hi. When they decide to go with that option, Steve and Aidan pleasantly greet them Who do we have here?
When Carrie tries to pass herself off as a non-obsesser, Miranda calls her out as the Queen of Obsessing and reminds her about her obnoxious Big Infatuation during much of Seasons 1 and 2. Carrie concedes, but points out that she wasn't so much an obsesser as she was an asshole when she threw Aidan to the wolves after cheating on him with Big.
Charlotte says she wishes men didn't exist, 'cause then they wouldn't feel hurt, disappointed, or be tempted to obsess. Later, Carrie ponders the disappointment that women often feel in relationships as she taps out her weekly column. She wonders if it's possible for everything to not be the man's fault and writes: Well, if by us you're referring exclusively to yourself and your three slutbag friends, then yes.
Samantha decides to confront the disruptive transsexual broads. They agree, introduce themselves, then apologize to Samantha for keeping her up at night. A smug looking Samantha snaps her fingers in an awkward looking victory salute, then heads back up to her loft.
Carrie is stunned when she gets an unexpected phone call from Big. He asks her if red is a mistake, then explains that he's having one wall of his bedroom painted bright red. I absolutely hate red walls Big puts his faux sad face on and says, "She left" and adds that his quickie marriage to Natasha is over. He quickly perks up again and asks Carrie if she'd like to have lunch with him on Saturday at Boathouse in Central Park, and Carrie's like, "Tee hee.
Of course I would. She adds that she wasn't sure she should share that info 'cause she knows how annoyed she Miranda always gets about Big Drama. Miranda snarkishly says she doesn't want to hold her hand through another Big Breakup and that "starting up with him" always turns her into a needy, pathetic, insecure victim. Carrie vehemently denies that she's starting things up with Big, then admonishes her for always being so judgey and writing people off, e.
She whines that people aren't always as tough as her and make mistakes, but Miranda is already storming off and no longer listening. I can't summon up enough fake empathy for another Big Breakup. Miranda, meanwhile, places another order at the local Chinese takeout place She then decides, "Why not march down to the restaurant and be an even bigger bitch in person?!
Miranda deduces that the woman, for whatever reason, enjoys giggling whenever she takes an order. She's about to head back home when she spots Steve having dinner She tells him that she and Carrie got into a big scrap and that Carrie accused her of being judgemental and callous.
When she asks Steve if he feels like she threw him away, he says no and reminds her that the only two people who will ever really know what happened is them and that it's no one else's bidness.
Samantha and her latest hookup are getting it on in her loft She runs over to her window, yells at them to shut up, and warns them that she called the cops. When they respond by screeching insults at her, she runs over to her kitchen, fills a large pot with water and pours it atop one of the hookers, which causes her wig to slip off. She threatens to kick Samantha's ass Samantha's hookup, meanwhile, is so freaked out by the spectacle he's just witnessed that he slips back into his clothes and hightails it out of there.
Trey drops by Charlotte's apartment to tell her that ever since she moved out, he can't stop thinking about her. The two then get into some vigorous smooching and start going at it on the floor.
Carrie is laying in bed, stewing about her argument with Miranda. When the roosters next door start crowing, she gets annoyed at the ruckus and phones up the animal hospital to request that they move the roosters inside 'cause she can no longer bear the daily cock-a-doodle-doing.
Post coitus, Trey and Charlotte sit on the floor and have the conversation they probably should have had pre-wedding. Charlotte says she always figured his penis was fully functional and asks him if his temporary impotence had anything to do with the fact that he never really wanted to marry her. He says no, but then admits he didn't really want to marry anyone Charlotte wryly says, "That sounds familiar" and Trey gazes over at her and adds that another reason he snapped her up was 'cause he knew he'd never find anyone to marry who is as wonderful as she is.
Samantha is woken up by the sound of eggs being thrown at her window by the transsexual broad she threw water on earlier. For some unfathomable reason, Samantha opens her window, sticks her dumb head outside, and gets her face pelted by raw eggs. Carrie calls Miranda on a pay phone near the Boathouse. The two apologize for the insults they hurled at each other earlier, and Carrie explains that she needs to get closure from Big in order to move on.
I though the "we're so over we need a new word for over" conversation after Natasha caught her half dressed in her apartment was a pretty solid goodbye. Miranda assures her she's not pathetic is too , but warns her to not allow Big to kiss her 'cause that always seems to lead to trouble.
Carrie spots Big standing on the dock outside the restaurant, so she sashays over and says, "Hello you" and he turns around and flashes her his cheesy hey baby smile. When he leans in to plant a kiss on her, she panics and shoves him away. This leads to him grabbing onto her for balance The two sit atop his bed, decide that his marriage woes weren't solely his fault even though they kind of were since he's the fuckpig who cheated on his wife , and agree that they're assholes of the highest order I mean war buddies.
Big says he really does like living alone again, and Carrie chuckles and says that that doesn't surprise her one bit. She then says she needs to get going Carrie returns home wearing a long white shirt I'll assume belongs to Big.
She has it cinched at the waist with a belt and isn't wearing anything underneath She peeks out the window and sadly notices that the caged roosters have been moved indoors. Season 3 concludes with a rooftop barbecue at Samantha's place. She extended an invitation to the transsexual hookers in order to patch things up