Thankfully, I've never had to do that. Down there was a row of seats sectioned off for that specific reason. What would happen next is super, super weird. They looked like a pack of drunk monkeys in mating season. It didn't look human.
They just surrounded the couple I assume they all jerked off onto the wife, or just watched the couple go at it. One of the Drunk Monkey Tribe later told Marvin that this cinema was "vanilla," and that at another he frequented, one husband would let all the men fuck his wife, then drink the contents of each condom after. Did that really happen?
Who wants to know? We also call that code "Bushido," but with a different emphasis. Where you stood advertised what you were looking for.
For example, if you stood in the corner by the bathroom, that meant you wanted to suck someone off. A different spot meant you were down for something else. Continue Reading Below Advertisement "I guess it's a lot of oral sex, mutual masturbation, maybe some butt games," Marvin says, taking all the mystery out of it.
That was a popular one, and the rotation was fast. There was one spot parallel to that, but it was kind of out of the way, and away from where most men would hang out.
It was less popular. Another spot was by the women's bathroom. I think one of their 'games' was pretending they were a lady going in there, and then some guy would look through a peephole as the other guy did What kind of smut was this cinema showing for its customers to burn a whole day there?
Also, how much money did Marvin's boss make selling sports drinks to dehydrated marathon masturbators? My boss would choose pretty mainstream things. Nothing too crazy, as in no fetishes. They wouldn't care what movie would be playing. These aren't happy men," Marvin said. Then they would shuffle in, buy a ticket, and go start their day in the dark.
They would come out for peanuts, chips, popcorn we would sell in the lobby, and hurry back in like little rodents. An entire 12 hours is a bit extreme, but it happened. On average, I estimate men spent four hours per visit. Anyway, despite literally everything we've mentioned so far, Marvin doesn't remember this job as particularly pleasant.
A month into the job, there's no way I could be aroused by an XXX movie. It was moving wallpaper, basically. It's still like that. If I see an xHamster clip or whatever, it has no effect on me whatsoever By the seventh or eighth month, I dreaded working there.
Once the novelty wears off, you notice the atmosphere is thick with loneliness, yearning, and dissatisfaction. Continue Reading Below Advertisement "I would get super lethargic and feel depressed after being there for even half an hour, no matter how great of a mood I was in before I started. I still associate all porn with those feelings, which is probably why I don't like it anymore.
Is it possible to sue a business for theft of soul? By being exposed to so much porn, Marvin eventually started seeing the man behind the curtain. And once he threw that pervert out of the theater, he also noticed that porn is kind of depressing behind the scenes. The illusion is lost on me. That girl in the movie is paying bills. Most of the time, her vagina isn't wet.
So much porn with dry vaginas! And no one cares. Imagine how much time that frees up for Marvin! He could cure cancer. Or start playing Minecraft. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c. Follow us on Facebook , and we'll follow you everywhere.