Sexuality is a state we live in, not a specific activity for which your clothes come off. This simple concept liberates sex from its cultural conventions — conventions that favor athletic, able bodies and religious-based shame. Masturbation is your time to push, please, and play with yourself. Your body can do a lot, endure a lot, and feel a lot. My hand can do a lot.
Take masturbation to the next level — read my slideshow Masturbation Matters: Shop the underwear section. Countless queers first knew something was up in the underwear aisle. You were 8 years old, shopping with mom, and you chose a pack of briefs with a gorgeous model on the front. When you got home, you saved the package for as long as you dared.
Image courtesy of GruffPup. Wear something that makes you feel sexy. Before the leather festivals and kinky fun, they must first try on a harness and feel that tingle on the skin for the first time. This typically happens in the privacy of their homes or in a seedy changing room at a sex shop. For some guys, rubber gives them that feeling. Others love fishnet stockings. Some guys get aroused in military uniforms. Many guys including me think business suits are the hottest outfit a man can wear.
Give a performance — for yourself. There are certain kinks you should not do solo. Bondage, autoerotic asphyxiation, needle play, and knife play are on this list. But nothing is keeping you from crawling on all fours around your apartment and barking like a dog. Read my list of role play fantasies you have to try here.
I am not trans, and this kink has nothing to do with being transgender. Being trans has nothing to do with performance, degradation, or sexual interests. And thankfully, there are some who do. Discover new interests in the wonderful world of porn. Los Angeles-based sex therapist Chris Donaghue outlines 18 therapeutic uses for porn. Without porn, I would never have discovered my kinks.
My kinky side is a rich and vital part of my life and has fostered my most valuable relationships. Keep a sex journal. This is where you record your best and worst experiences and write out your fantasies.
No one will judge you in your sex journal. Creating a judgment-free space for yourself is important, since so few spaces like this exist. Members of the kink and leather communities have a long history carving out judgment-free zones, but these spaces are rapidly vanishing. We are burdened now to create new ones. The internet, a blog, and a private journal are free. Get naked in nature.
Sex is an ancient animal activity. Yes, even gay sex. Homosexual behavior has been observed in over 1, animal species. Others animals practice this sexual fluidity without labels. Should we follow suit?
I love getting naked under the stars — when I can. With practice, even devoted tops may find that bottoming feels really good. Find a good dildo read: Practice your speed and breathing.
But coupled with that fear is an eroticism you will never forget. We all come to that moment through desire. There in the bookstore, it struck me: I wanted to see a cock. Your first erotic image. I have a theory about the first erotic image. I stumbled upon the book Rare Flesh by David E. Armstrong — a book of grotesque male photography, with accompanying poetry by Clive Barker — when I was 10 years old. Your first trip to the Castro.
Four years ago, I stepped off Muni and saw the Castro Theater for the first time. I walked down the sidewalk in a daze. I was newly HIV-positive. At the time, I had a textbook understanding of my body. But being there made the stories true. The marches, the protests, the cruising, the police beatings.
How many ghosts were walking with me? The trip was nothing less than a sexual awakening. A walk on the beach. A solo walk on the beach is equal parts erotic and reflective.
The beach is always a tease. You see beautiful, half-naked guys in the surf, and you can do nothing with that desire but carry it and reflect on it.
Years before I came out, I reflected on the notion of being gay one summer with my parents. The whole week I wanted to walk the beach by myself. I wanted to look at the beautiful men and ask myself over and over if this hunger was worth it — worth all the fights and crying and hurt that would surely come. By the time we left, I had an answer. Have an unbridled imagination. Your imagination is one territory out of bounds of censorship.
You are free to fantasize although you are not free to act on all fantasies. Your fantasy world is a lifelong solo sexual experience. Some people will try to police your thoughts or shame you for thinking this or that. They will project puritanical ideas on you.