I get paid to help people have better sex. I like to think of what I do as creative sexual problem solving. My clients come to me with issues like orgasmic difficulties and mismatched sex drives.
They want to learn how to communicate about sex, how to feel more sexually confident, and how to rescue their floundering sex lives. You can give a blowjob that will make your partner sing your praises to strangers on the street, but those skills will be of little use if you consistently let work responsibilities take priority over sex.
Adjusting your sexual mindset can lead not only to better sex now, but can ensure that your sex life continues to be exhilarating for decades to come. While we are all special butterflies and these suggestions are by no means comprehensive, here are the five nuggets of advice I find myself doling out to my clients most frequently. People take sex so damned seriously. Get better at initiation and rejection. Unskilled initiation and rejection are toxic to relationships. They breed resentment, frustration, anxiety, and even outright contempt.
I have worked with dozens of couples whose relationships were on the brink of destruction solely because of their dynamic around initiation and rejection. The typical pattern I see is that the partner with higher desire gets tired of being turned down and stops initiating directly. The problem is that they still want sex, so they start initiating in a bunch of indirect ways. The partner with the lower sex drive can sense all of these backhanded initiation cues, and starts pulling away with even more intensity.
All of a sudden, little things like hugs or even touches become fraught with tension and anxiety. The goal is to feel like a team, rather than opposing sides of a tense negotiation. Here, some basic guidelines I give to my clients: State what you want clearly, but without being demanding. Be genuinely curious about what your partner is feeling. Does she need a hot shower and an Olivia Pope-sized glass of wine?
Would he like to vent about his disastrous day at work? If you get turned down, feel your disappointment.
Not getting what you want sucks! See if you can find even the teensiest part of you that would be opening to connecting and feeling pleasure. You may not feel up for the whole enchilada, but perhaps a make-out session sounds appealing.
Not because you owe your partner an explanation, but because it helps take away some of the sting. Let your partner feel disappointed. Make pleasure your focus, always. We can all get so wrapped up in pressure, expectation, anxiety, and embarrassment that we forget that one of the best reasons to have sex is simply because it feels good.
Prioritizing pleasure is one of the simplest but most powerful lessons I teach my clients. It helps take the pressure off of orgasm when you direct your attention to pleasure instead of the end goal. Dozens of my female clients had their first orgasms after being able to make this shift. Getting specific about what feels good helps you figure out what you want. Think about it this way: Gently directing your attention to the pleasure your body feels during sex can alleviate body consciousness.
Tuning into pleasure instantly helps you be more present in the moment. Trying to find the pleasure in even the most mundane aspects of your daily routines quite simply makes life more enjoyable! Value and protect your sex life. For as sex-obsessed as our culture seems to be, we sure have a hard time acknowledging that our sex lives truly are important to us. Others stay in relationships that clearly suffer from sexual incompatibility.
Your resentment and frustration will eventually leach out whether you like it or not. Here are some of the suggestions I give to my clients: Tell yourself and your partner that sex is important. Ask for what you want honestly and openly, without feeling guilt. Actively invest in your sex life. Do things like schedule date nights, buy fancy lingerie and quality sex toys, or read sexual technique books together.
Turn off your cell phones, laptops, and "Game of Thrones," and make time for each other. Our brains light up like Christmas trees when exposed to new things. The fantastic news is that there are an endless number of ways to experiment with sex.
Sex is something that you will never be able to fully master. Try out a sex position that requires a four-step process to get into. Maintain curiosity about what your partner likes, and ask him or her for input regularly. Try masturbating with an entirely new method. Purchase a sex toy that seems perplexing yet oddly intriguing. My clients usually laugh when I make these kinds of suggestions, but they inevitably come back the following week with smiles on their faces and a proclamation along the lines of, "We thought we already knew everything we like, but damn did we have some interesting discoveries.
A few embarrassing inside jokes are far better for your sex life than crushing boredom.